Monday, January 08, 2007


My car has been stranded and won't start since Friday. I am not getting it towed anywhere until I know whether it’s my starter or just a loose wire. The car is not dead the lights come on it just won't start. My friend Elizabeth (the car is at her house) is getting hungover Quint to look at it when he can get up and around to it. I get a extra key made and the employees at Home Depot are their usual grumpy, half assed selves. Ok I am trying to take these petty problems in my stride. I have my list and I am being driven around. I think how nice it would be to just sit by the fire and watch a good movie when I remember I forgot to return a movie to Blockbuster. Crap, what good is a list if I don't remember everything. I stop at the Espresso Cafe to pick up my camera case which I forgot and someone signed my guestbook and said "I DON'T GET IT" well how rude! I noticing when I get tense lately, I take deep breaths in to 4 hold to 7 exhales to 8 woooooshhhhhhhh. Why don't I notice all the good things people wrote.

10 to 8 or more years ago when I was running and in great shape, I visualized myself at my first solo art show. I was fit, had a cute figure, 38-28-35 (I really had those measurements) wore some tight French jeans that showed my toned behind, I had on a tight t-shirt with angel wings on the back like a tattoo. My hair was bobbed (that looks cute on me) and it was dark copper red.
I had a silver pocket watch and cool black boots. My self confidence runneth over as people admired my art and my hot bod (pretty good for an older broad). Yobi my friend from TX said "Honey they would only see your boobs not the art" (I have huge boobs).
It's still my daydream. But 8 or so years later I look every bit my age, my hair is going gray, I'm fat and I harbor some bad habits that keep me from radiant health.
There is obviously room for improvement. I don’t want to have some emergency that really wakes me up before I make the changes I need to make. I am terribly hard on myself. I am the most pessimistic, self centered, whiney person I know. I stand in my own way.

I am trying to stay positive and hopeful instead of focusing on what I don’t want and remembering to be grateful even in the midst of my hardships and discontentment.
It’s hard to break old habits and thinking patterns. Like I have any control of anything anyway. Is this any way for a successful artist to be talking anyway? What will you think of me. Yatta, yatta, YUCK.

But I believe it’s important to strive to learn how to be hopeful, cheerful, positive and the Lord knows I try.

I remain hopeful and even faithful,

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